I just want to be…Emotionless

Well, the move has gone well. I am surprised by how amazing it has been since I have been here. Everything seems to be going as planned and hopefully it stays that way.

There are a few hiccups in everything that is going on but it seems things may be changing for me yet again. I don’t know why I self destruct. My ex would probably read this and get a kick out of the fact that I am a failure at yet another relationship because I didn’t get my way or whatever the reasons are for my recent failure. Fuck him…

Things haven’t been great all around. I am needy and selfish and yeah they are bad traits of mine but it’s hard to overcome them. I don’t know what to do other than that because I lived so much of my life wanting people to want me so much that eventually I push them away with the need to have constant communication. I hate silence. I hate being ignored. It has everything to do with my life growing up all the way to today. You see, I have known my entire life I wasn’t wanted. My mother didn’t want me, my father was to drugged up to even try to fight for me when he found out about me, none of my husbands wanted me, hell…even my kids don’t want me anymore. I am a broken person with so many demons that keep me awake at night and wake me when I do finally get to sleep. This is the first time since I was 16 that I have slept alone and not had someone there to hold me so that I could cry every time my demons creep into my mind. I am struggling.

Today I finally had enough. Today he ignored me for the last time. So I raged and I cussed him. I instantly felt horrible. I just don’t understand why I let it bother me. He gives me the time he wants to give me and the time he gives me is precious to me. Even when just laying in the bed with my phone next to me, listening to him sleep while I drift off myself. It’s been the best sleep I have had in years to be honest, yet I fuck it up by demanding more. I didn’t think I was asking for to much when all I wanted was for him to acknowledge that I messaged him. I don’t go where he is because he has someone there he is spending time with and I don’t want to get in the way of that. No, I am not jealous of that, just so everyone knows. I don’t mind giving him physical space to be with her. What I do mind is when I message him and he never responds because he is with her or so I assume it is because he is with her.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just sit here and be patient for him to come to me like I am supposed too? I am a selfish person…I want what I want and I want it now! But, that isn’t a good trait to have and I need to change it. You see I cling to people because I hate being alone. I need to fix that with myself too. It isn’t just him but others too. People who I consider friends. I want them to want to talk to me but all I do is ruin it by trying to get more attention than I deserve or that they can give. Everyone has their own things going on, their world doesn’t revolve around me and I KNOW that but at the same time…I enjoy talking to people that make me smile. So few people make me smile anymore so I cling to those that do. Then I end up ruining the friendship or relationship in doing so and I hurt because…they don’t want me. But, what they don’t want is my persistence. It has nothing to do with me as a person, but in how I am when I am like that.

I hope I haven’t lost him…but I hope I haven’t lost me either.

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The Next Step in this Journey…

So I am about to take a leap and do something I never thought I would do. Moving somewhere that I never thought I would move. Connecting in person is something that scares me in so many ways, but at the same time I am excited albeit nervous for this next chapter in my life.

Not gonna write much this time because I want to wait till I am there and see what happens. Wish me luck!

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Thin Ice…

So here goes another post about my journey. Two days in a row…I think I am on a roll here. Let’s hope it lasts! So yesterday I posted about several things. The loss of my marriage to my husband and the loss of a new Master who had taken me on. Those were the two most important things that happened. Well, now there is something new.

After begging, pleading, and crying all night with friends trying to cheer me up and only getting about 45 minutes of sleep he took me back. Yes, I am on thin ice. Yes, I still take the risk of him releasing me permanently. It’s so weird how one person can have such control over your entire person, down to your soul, when you haven’t even met them face to face. I know I have seen so many of my friends in the same types of relationships and I have seen some fail but I have seen so many turn successful. So is there hope for me? Who knows, but maybe with some guidance from others who I love and trust and Master, I will learn and not mess up again. See where this goes…

I am His. I knelt on my knees and gave Him all of me. Not just a stupid little avatar in SecondLife, but me, the person, the human, the little slut who wants nothing more than to do all the things her Master demands. Oh and does he demand so deliciously. -swoons- Once he accepted me back as his, we got to have a little fun. Yeah it’s all by cam…for now…but I won’t complain. I share with him more than I would have shared with anyone. I trust him so completely. It scares me but at the same time…if I don’t trust then how will I ever be what I am meant to be? So, aside from a few laughing moments (more than a few but I won’t go into those) and a few orgasms (omg…how does he make me do that?) we are finally back to where we were before I made a stupid mistake. I missed hearing him laugh…I missed hearing him cum for me. God…if only I could listen to h is voice 24/7…I think I would never get anything done. SO maybe it’s a good thing I can’t!

I have to say that if it weren’t for a few people in my life I wouldn’t have made it through last night with even half a smile on my face. Dani for being my ever present best friend and rock. Thanks for making me drink…even though I hated it. LOL Sof, thank you for sitting with me while I cried in your ear. I know it wasn’t pleasant. I am thankful to have you as a friend. TheGoodGuy…you’re just that…a good guy. I am so thankful for your wisdom and friendship. I will never be able to put into words just how much it means to me to have you talk reason into me when I am down on myself. Mom…you are a role model to me. I am so thankful I have you to go to when I have questions or misgivings. You have been and always will be my voice of reason and someone I know will have my back 100% even if you’re simply telling me I fucked up and to fix it, I love you. Dad…oh papa I love you so much. I am thankful to have you as someone to help guide me and help teach me when I need it. I am also thankful for your caring and loving nature as if I were your own daughter. So many more people to thank but just know I love you all and I look forward to going on this journey with me!

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