I just want to be…Emotionless


Well, the move has gone well. I am surprised by how amazing it has been since I have been here. Everything seems to be going as planned and hopefully it stays that way.

There are a few hiccups in everything that is going on but it seems things may be changing for me yet again. I don’t know why I self destruct. My ex would probably read this and get a kick out of the fact that I am a failure at yet another relationship because I didn’t get my way or whatever the reasons are for my recent failure. Fuck him…

Things haven’t been great all around. I am needy and selfish and yeah they are bad traits of mine but it’s hard to overcome them. I don’t know what to do other than that because I lived so much of my life wanting people to want me so much that eventually I push them away with the need to have constant communication. I hate silence. I hate being ignored. It has everything to do with my life growing up all the way to today. You see, I have known my entire life I wasn’t wanted. My mother didn’t want me, my father was to drugged up to even try to fight for me when he found out about me, none of my husbands wanted me, hell…even my kids don’t want me anymore. I am a broken person with so many demons that keep me awake at night and wake me when I do finally get to sleep. This is the first time since I was 16 that I have slept alone and not had someone there to hold me so that I could cry every time my demons creep into my mind. I am struggling.

Today I finally had enough. Today he ignored me for the last time. So I raged and I cussed him. I instantly felt horrible. I just don’t understand why I let it bother me. He gives me the time he wants to give me and the time he gives me is precious to me. Even when just laying in the bed with my phone next to me, listening to him sleep while I drift off myself. It’s been the best sleep I have had in years to be honest, yet I fuck it up by demanding more. I didn’t think I was asking for to much when all I wanted was for him to acknowledge that I messaged him. I don’t go where he is because he has someone there he is spending time with and I don’t want to get in the way of that. No, I am not jealous of that, just so everyone knows. I don’t mind giving him physical space to be with her. What I do mind is when I message him and he never responds because he is with her or so I assume it is because he is with her.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just sit here and be patient for him to come to me like I am supposed too? I am a selfish person…I want what I want and I want it now! But, that isn’t a good trait to have and I need to change it. You see I cling to people because I hate being alone. I need to fix that with myself too. It isn’t just him but others too. People who I consider friends. I want them to want to talk to me but all I do is ruin it by trying to get more attention than I deserve or that they can give. Everyone has their own things going on, their world doesn’t revolve around me and I KNOW that but at the same time…I enjoy talking to people that make me smile. So few people make me smile anymore so I cling to those that do. Then I end up ruining the friendship or relationship in doing so and I hurt because…they don’t want me. But, what they don’t want is my persistence. It has nothing to do with me as a person, but in how I am when I am like that.

I hope I haven’t lost him…but I hope I haven’t lost me either.

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One thought on “I just want to be…Emotionless

  1. Oh my gosh your blog post was amazing. I read it actually laughed like she is talking about me.

    For me it is the same, I crave his attention which he only gives when he wants to. The depression kicks in when I do not hear from him after so long. Our time together is amazing and then I have to leave and nothing. Just waiting. Stay strong and girl we got this.

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