I don’t know how long it will be till I make my next post. So many things have changed since my last one and I can honestly say I am lost. I am lost as a woman, lost as person, and lost as a submissive. I have wanted for so long, after learning what it truly was about, to be a submissive to a strong and dominant man. I thought I had that at one time but because of various circumstances he and I are no longer together. Yes, it hurts and yes I still mourn the loss of that twelve year relationship, but here I am trying to make a new life for myself.
I finally got back on SecondLife after being off for nearly six months. What do I do? I join Gor. Was it a mistake? Who knows. What I do know is I have missed my friends, the ones who are truly friends, not the back stabbing whore who I thought was my friend but got with my ex after only a week of us splitting up. Have fun with that chaotic whore. Should be fun and exciting. New shiny toy…ha.
So anyways, I did meet someone who has been fulfilling my desire to be dominated. It’s been amazing for the last week that he and I have been talking. I have so much to learn and so much control to give up that it’s been a struggle. One thing that I love about him is just how strong he is with me. He has been patient, more patient than I thought he could be, but today is a different story. I will get into that later. Anyways, Just the mere sound of his voice makes me crumble into a heap of mess at his feet and when he is angry with me…it turns my heart to jell-o and I instantly feel empty for making him angry. Making him happy…that has been joyous in all ways. I can’t even begin to explain how happy it makes me when I see him smile. It’s been nice to have that kind of dominance over me and still hear him tell me I am sexy and a good girl.
Till today. Today I apparently wasn’t a good girl. In Gor, my Mistress decided I should be punished because I have been spending a lot of time off the sim and with this Master. I can’t say I am upset about being punished, but I am happy that I spent time with him. Well, anyways…I haven’t used my main alt since coming back to SecondLife because…to be honest it hurts to much. It hurts because she was “his” and seeing them unpartnered and not together makes me completely break down and not even want to be on. BUT, today I used her to hang out with another friend. Due to the RLV restrictions put on my current avi.
Communications have been light with Master most of the day due to him being busy at work so I tried not to bug him to much. Giving him the space he needed so that he could get his work done that I KNEW he needed to get done. Little ol’ me trying to do the right thing…apparently I was wrong. So he messaged me and asked me what I was doing. I told him the truth, cause why lie about it? Well, I didn’t tell him I was on my main alt, so when he asked where I was, because he couldn’t map me, I told him it was because I was on my main alt, due to the rlv restrictions. Well, that didn’t go over well and needless to say I am in the doghouse. Not just the doghouse, but now I am being told he doesn’t want me anymore. Go figure…story of my life.
It sucks. It sucks so bad. After all of the rejection I have gone through this month I nearly don’t know if I can handle more. No communication is something I do not do good with. it kills me not to communicate. The “not knowing” is more painful than being yelled at or beaten. It breaks me. It breaks me to the point that I just want to hide under a rock and stay there forever. I don’t know how to handle it. It’s not just punishment to me. It’s telling me that I am not good enough. That I am not worth the time or effort. That I am nothing.
I am just going to try and get through this weekend and hope that by Monday I am okay.