Normally I put a picture that is sexy but all pictures that I have used as a starter to my blogs are in some way a reflection of how I am feeling or what the blog is about. This time…these small 6 words pretty much wrap up exactly how I am feeling. I don’t even know if there is much more to say than just that. I’ve got a war in my mind right now.
How do I express how I feel or what I am thinking when I am so thoroughly confused with what I want or what I need in my life. I don’t mean just as a submissive, but as a wife as well as a person. When he asks me what kind of submissive I want to be feel rather puzzled. I know there are different types, but I really didn’t expect to find myself having to choose as I am not educated in the different types and layers that there are.
Well, in this process (of course the entire conversation is being done via phone texts since he is at work) the conversation has dwindled so much to the point I am throwing my hands up and wanting to be done. How am I supposed to be okay with someone being rude and disrespectful to me when I am tired after a very hard day at work and just want to relax before he comes home from work? I know being a submissive isn’t like a job, I can’t clock in and out whenever I feel like it. Though at times I feel that I should be able too when I am still trying to figure out so many things about this life and who I am.
I guess I expected him to be more understanding, to be more gentle, to be more caring about the things I need to figure out. I am not saying I don’t want this, I have simply said that I don’t know who I want to be for him. I am confused and need guidance not an attitude and belittling words. I don’t want to be cursed at and then told that they are just done trying. Are you serious? We haven’t even started and because I am upset that the gentle part of being a Dom isn’t being shown then it is all over? How is this possible? Am I not allowed to have my own questions and make my own progress in this journey? As much as this life is all about you it is simply about me too. How am I ever going to learn if I am not given the opportunity to ask questions and think about things.
Isn’t it sad that the one thing I thought would bring me closer to him is the one thing I think will tear us apart? I don’t even know what to do right now…