I have opened my heart only to have it crushed. Does this mean my life will end? No, I have an amazing Master and family who loves me unconditionally, but the loss of a possibility breaks my heart to no end. I know I will get passed this, though I am sure more tears shall follow me as I get through the emotional part of losing something I had wanted for so long.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I knew that something was wrong but I tried to stay positive only to be told that something was wrong. She loves us, but not in the way that we had hoped, or I had hoped. I have always felt that she was the one, the one whom I could share my entire life with and not bat one eye in doing so. Is it easy to feel this way? No, I don’t think it is easy but when it came to her everything felt so amazingly right.
I do not blame her for feeling the way she does. I am happy that she actually spoke to me about what was going on instead of running, because that would have hurt even more. I am not angry at her, but I am sad. Does any of this change how I feel about her? No, not in any fashion have my feelings for her changed. I just know that I have to separate my feelings and continue to work on the friendship that we had started many years ago.
I just want her to always know that she is loved…and that will never change.
Master and I have discussed it some and though we are both sad about the loss we both know that we have much to learn about this lifestyle and each other. We have many things to grow on and maybe one day we will find that one person who fits into our lives. I know that I want a poly life, I know that I can live a poly life, and I know that some day we will have it. I just need to be patient and focus on Master and our growth as a couple and as a M/s relationship.
Master I hope you know how much I love you and that I am sorry that I let the loss of the future with her make me so sad. This will truly be a test to my growth in the fact that I have to let her go, in that fashion. I have always been one to fight for what it is I want in my life and this is the first time I am just going to let it be and work on the friendship she and I have. Tears will fall but hearts will heal. That is something I must remind myself of until the pain lessens.
I love her…I love Him…I love me.