Master and I decided to leave Gor some time ago and with it the dynamics of a M/s type of relationship began to weaken more into the D/s type of relationship. Due to this I have recently started dragging my poor poor Master to some group discussions at some places I have seen advertised. I have been reminded of the place that I wish to be and I think Master is finally seeing that we need to continue moving forward in our life style choice. What does this mean?
For me I have had struggles in what I am. Am I submissive enough to be what Master truly wants in a girl? Can I give him the control that he so wishes to have over my very breath? These are things that I have struggled with for years now, but slowly I have found my way. Upon this journey into my submission I have stumbled, numerous times. More of the “I take 1 step forward only to take 3 steps back” kind of thing. Is it by fault of Master that this happens? No, I do not truly believe so. These are my demons that I must battle and I know that with the battles I am up against that Master is directly behind me holding my shoulders straight and nudging me to fight them and find my footing. He is not here to “fix” my problems or sweep them away as if they don’t exist.
I struggle day to day with if I am good enough for this life. Is it possible that I can only dream of what I want to be? Is it out of my reach to be the slave that my Master deserves? What is it that makes me feel this way? I just wish that it could be written in black and white. Why does it have to be such a gray area? Why can’t I let go and fully be everything my Master needs and deserves? I know I am close, I know it is right there…just out of my reach. How can I stretch my grasp to reach it and snatch up what it is I so crave to have?
I know I have had these feelings before and I know I have over come them, but what is it that is making me feel this way again? Maybe I am just in a funk that I need to shake off. Could that be it? Could it just be a pity party I am throwing for myself? I don’t want to be like that but I suppose it could be possible…though I don’t truly believe that is what it is.
Some times I find myself angry at Master and then I suddenly feel bad for it, but the bad behavior doesn’t stop. I don’t apologize for it, I don’t outwardly show him I am sorry for the behavior, all I do is sit and stew in it and then find myself wondering why I behaved that way. What is it that makes me react that way and then NOT apologize for my behavior? Then I start to ask — Why doesn’t Master punish me? Does he not care enough about me to punish me for my bad behavior?
I know Master has said that he keeps a mental checklist and when he is able he handles “business” then. It isn’t often that we have the chance to “play” being our living situation, but sometimes I just wish he would do something. Punishment doesn’t always have to be a physical punishment, does it? No, I don’t think it does, but then again…sometimes those are the best kind. Though at times I know doing nothing is sometimes a punishment as well. I mean silence is sometimes the one thing that makes me break. Breaks my stubbornness and then the walls come tumbling down and I simply crave and beg to be forgiven for my missteps.
Other things have changed in our lives that are worth noting. Someone who has been in our lives in the past has once again come back into it. This isn’t our first try at this relationship, but my hopes are high and I truly feel as if this is it. I have always had love for this person even when I didn’t understand exactly what it is. I knew it was love, but what kind of love is it? Is it strictly friendship or do I truly love this person? I have always been physically attracted to other women but with her it is so different. I am not saying I don’t want to bend her over and enjoy pleasuring her from behind, but that seriously is far from my mind. She isn’t into women and with that I truly respect her. I wouldn’t do anything along those lines with her unless she was 100% on board. I respect her so completely in that aspect to not even try.
I know that our relationship is different than any other we have ever been in with other women, but this one has always just felt….right. Am I hoping that this time it works? Most definitely! DO I know we still have many things to over come? Most definitely! Will we all struggle from time to time? Most definitely! Is it worth it to even try? MOST DEFINITELY! She is such an amazing woman and is worthy of the world and I hope that with the love she receives from me and the dominance and love she receives from Master she feels as if we are giving her the world.
I know it will be hard, but I think as long as we all communicate fully then things will work. Thing is, we all have to use communication as it is meant to have. When upset, say so…when sad, say so…when happy SAY SO! If we don’t communicate problems then they can never be fixed and it will cause the relationship to crumble. I don’t want to give up on the happiness we all three can have together…because not only is she worth the love that Master and I have to give her but we are worth the love she gives us. I am so thankful to have her in our lives.
As far as I am concerned, I am struggling but I know it is only because I love her so much. I am having to stop myself from trying so hard…which is not easy. I seem to have a “problem” about not giving up on someone and/or something that I love completely. If I didn’t have this “problem” I know that Master and I would not be where we are today. So when things are not going as hoped I know I have to back off and let things just happen how they are supposed too. I must remind myself that Master will handle whatever situation comes up and that I can trust him to handle in the best way for all of us. Just sometimes I get scared…scared we will lose her. I have felt it so many times already and I just don’t want to go through that again.
Is it weird that I love her just as completely as I love my Master? After all of these years I know that she is the “one” well the other one anyways. I need to find a way for her to understand that I don’t want her to be afraid to talk to me about her concerns, with me. Does she need for me to back away and let her have alone time with Master? If so I wish she would tell me and poof I would be gone. I mean I LOVE talking to her and spending time with her but she needs him just as much as I do and I know he needs her too. I just wish I knew…and I just wish she would talk to me…him…us………..SOMETHING. I don’t want to lose her again…I don’t want to live a life where she is not in it.
I really think I should end this now…I sound like a love sick puppy and that is not how I am trying to sound. I just want communication to be 100% there and sometimes I think it is lacking….how do we get it in our relationship?