After yesterday morning I had to do a lot of breathing deep to keep my composure. Just talking about it with my Master on our way home after work yesterday I nearly started crying again and the shakes started to creep back up. I really hate that I had to feel those feelings again. I haven’t felt that way since dealing with my aunts husband stalking me at my grandmothers house. The pit of my stomach churning, my heart pounding, and my hands shake…I don’t miss it.
Thankfully I am able to move past the memories and continue to grow in my servitude towards my Master. Is it every day that I am extremely happy to be submissive? No, but having struggles is the only way to continue to grow and learn. I have done a lot of that lately and I have to say that the guidance of my Master is one I not only need but crave. Lately, I have not been the best that I can be, or even close to it and it has been bothering me. I know that it is bothering Master because he wants nothing more than for me to succeed.
I am still struggling from time to time and I don’t know why that is. Is it because I am still so in to my “Domme” side that I keep forgetting that Master is in control? Is it that I slip back into wife mode expecting him to slip into husband mode? Why do I fight his rules so much when I know, I KNOW, in my heart that they are meant to better me, for him? How do we find the answers to these questions when I don’t know where to look.
So many thoughts and questions I don’t know where to begin or where to even end. I need to think more…I think I am lost…can I be found?