So many of us focus on the beauty, or lack thereof, when we look at ourselves and others, but what does it mean? What part of our mind controls the aspect of what Beauty is? When I was growing up I never felt very pretty. Boys didn’t want to date me because I was pretty, they only wanted to get their nasty little hands on my boobs, since I was the only one who had them. It sure didn’t help my confidence but it was what it was and I got through it pretty decently…I think. It wasn’t until I met my husband and Master that I ever felt truly beautiful and truly sexy to another person.
Funny thing is…I didn’t meet my husband and Master until after I had five kids and after those five kids destroyed my body. Yes, I had lost quite a bit of weight and I carried myself differently, but it was because of him that I wanted to be sexy too. Within the nearly nine years we have been together I have gained so much of my weight back. I know that it is because of the depression I had sunk into, but it is also because I stopped caring. I didn’t feel sexy anymore, not because my Master didn’t say I wasn’t, but because we had stopped going out and I just didn’t have that “it” thing anymore. I guess I just stopped worrying about what others thought about how I looked when I should have always remained focused on what my Master thought of me.
Isn’t his opinion of me the most important? Well I know some of you would say it is my opinion of myself that matters, but that isn’t true for me. I have always been one to want to please and in some way looking my best is part of pleasing my Master. Well, the last couple of days I can tell that my size is beginning to bother him and I want to be sad about but I have to stop being a cry baby and realize he is right. It hurts…bad, but he is right. I need to eat better, I need to eat smaller portions, and I need to start getting more exercise.
Does anyone hate exercise as much as I do? I don’t even think it is the actual exercise that I hate it is the fact that I give up too easy. I have jokingly said that I need a drill sergeant standing next to me pushing me to keep going. I know I don’t have the ability to push myself…is that something I can gain? I used to LOVE to walk, but now that we live where we do I am nervous to walk when it would be the most comfortable (temp wise) for me. Isn’t it funny that when we lived in the country where wild dogs, coyotes, and lord knows what other wild critter was out there I had no issue walking at 6am in the morning…in the complete darkness…with headphones in so loud I couldn’t even hear my own breathing. Where we live now just seeing that when people walk in the daylight with a HUGE stick, golf club, or baseball bat just to protect them from…what exactly I don’t want to know. So now what do I do? Do I risk, lord knows what, and walk in the neighborhood we live in to get the exercise or do I pay money to join a fitness center and get on a treadmill?
I just don’t know what the best solution is going to be for me yet. I know that I have, in the past, done very well when I joined curves. I had actually lost some weight then and I wasn’t even truly trying…so does that mean I can do it again? Well, I am going to find out. I am going to find out how much the local curves charges and even see if I can find a good Zumba class for some cardio…and maybe work on getting my hips the way they were when Master and I first got together. Maybe Master will come to some Zumba classes with me and work on his hip movements! *grins and begs with pretty puppy eyes*
Well I think that I should end this blog on the note that I am setting a goal for myself. One that I know my Master will appreciate and accept. My goal is to lose at least 15 pounds by Christmas…is this even possible? I worry that it isn’t, only because of the Thyroid issue that my old Doctor said that I had. I was a bad bad girl and didn’t do what I was supposed to do so I am not on medication for the thyroid issues, so I hope that it won’t hinder my ability to lose the weight I want to lose. Here I go worrying myself when I don’t need too…i will just have to find a new Doctor, one that is closer, and get what I need to get worked out. This isn’t just about what my Master has to look at, but about making sure that I am healthy and able to be here to take care of my Masters needs.
Oh so much to worry about…