What Does it Mean?

Have you ever been afraid to ask questions? Well, I have and I still am when it comes to certain things. Will my Master think that I don’t trust him because I ask questions about certain things? I have always been told that the only stupid question the the question unasked. So I ask Master, do you think that I will ever be your perfect slut? Isn’t it funny that I know I have nothing to worry about? I know that Master loves me and that I will never be released or pushed to the side. Sometimes though I feel as if I am not submissive enough for him. Does he prefer the slave more than the submissive?

Is it bad that I find myself with slight bits of jealousy? I don’t know what it is I am jealous of, I know I have nothing to worry about so why do I have these feelings? I sat and talked to one of the girls that are under me and explained a little bit about why I feel the way I do and I think she understood. So now let me explain it to you…

Currently Master and I live with my in-laws as we help them prepare for their entrance into a retirement community and sale the house. So, because of this we don’t have the “couch and tv” time to sit and cuddle to spend time together. We don’t sit at the dinner table together or even sleep in the same bed, so what little time we get is very valuable to me. Even in our virtual world where we get to cuddle on the couch together is precious to me. When I strip down to my little pixel flesh and kneel before him is precious to me. So sometimes…I just want to be able to curl up in my Masters lap or kneel before him without someone getting all sulky because they want that time too. Sometimes I think it is hard for some of the girls to remember that I will never be out of the way. They will never have alone time with Master because I will always be there.

I am feeling very annoyed…and I don’t know if it will go away. How do you handle a situation where you are so completely unhappy with it but you have no control over if it goes away or stays? I am struggling and because of this struggle I know I am getting on my Masters nerves, but I just don’t know what to do.

On another note, he is currently punishing one of the girls that he has and it is bothering me. Not her being punished, because lord know she deserves it, but because I wonder what I have to do to get punished too. I sometimes feel that I don’t get the same kind of treatment than the other girls and this has been a feeling I have had since the very beginning. Something I have even discussed with him in the past, but it hasn’t changed. I don’t know if it is because of me that it hasn’t changed or if there is something I am missing, but why do I feel like sometimes I am not worth the effort?

I really don’t have much more to say…I have to get ready for work…and all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. Have you ever felt so completely done that you just want to lay in bed and cry? Sometimes I feel this way and I never get too… and I know it is a good thing because laying in bed and crying doesn’t fix anything, but sometimes I just need it. Right now…I am having the “I am not feeling it” moment when it comes to dealing with certain things and because of this I am growing quite angry and I don’t know how to deal with it. Sometimes I feel so left out…and sometimes I want to be left out but then if I am left out it makes me even more angry. Why do I sound like a whiny and selfish brat? Maybe I am one…I don’t know, but oh well, what can I do about it now? No one else seems to care so why should I? Well…off to get ready for work so Master can enjoy his day. Peace out bitches…

4Ever yours,

Submissive Scar


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