Today I had to work and I hate it…a lot. I have never been a fan of working weekends, but I have to do what is best for our family and if that means working weekends, then so be it. That doesn’t mean I am gonna like it though, but isn’t that the point of this life I have chosen? I do what I am told to do no matter if I like it or not as long as it is to benifit our family (and is legal of course)? I am so thankful to have a Master who reminds me of this so that I am able to stay motivated even when my motivation is slowly dwindling away with each day I have to go to that grease infested workplace. Anyone feel as sorry for their pores at work than I do?
School is going okay. I am worried that I have screwed up one of my classes so horribly that I am going to have to pay for the entire class to take it again. I am really angry with myself and I don’t know how I have let this happen to my grades. I swore I would never fail again, but it seems I am on my way. I am still busting my ass to get caught back up…TRYING to salvage this just in case I am able to pull it off. We shall see…sighs heavily.
Well, not only am I dealing with the frustration of work and school, but I am dealing with the frustration of something…something I can’t seem to point my finger on but it is swirling the frustration in my head causing me to have a slight touch of anger. Not like screaming, blood boiling, raging angry but more like the inner struggle anger that I can’t fucking figure out or quiet down. Why does a stupid skank who has “Master” issues have to IM my Master asking for his guidance? Why can’t they fucking figure out their own shit or, I don’t know…talk to their OWN MASTER?! I know…this looks and is very selfish and you know what…I don’t care, so I am gonna be selfish. I already share my Husband and Master with his other girl and the girls who are under me. I just don’t want to share him with any other stupid cunt who lets herself get all fucked over by some idiot who can’t take care of his own property.
*breaths deeply and clears her mind*
I think I really need to be more understanding but I have gone through this before when Master helped other girls who were lost and broken. I mean I know he is good at it and I am so thankful for his gifts, but sometimes I just want them all to go away so that he can focus on those who matter…his. I feel so selfish…but am I not allowed to feel that way sometimes? Am I not allowed to look upon my Master and wish for him to only look upon the face of his and feel my love and me feel the love he has for me?
I still struggle from time to time with my submission, but I don’t think it is my submission per say but more of keeping my head where it is supposed to be. I am sure that having girls under me isn’t helping, but I truly do not think that it is the issue. I believe that the issue truly is the still lingering, “Is this me?” that creep in into my mind. I know the answer to that question. I know the answer is yes…I would be willing to stand on the shortest mountain and scream yes!! Okay well, maybe I will be willing to just stand on the front porch…I am scared of heights…lol. I know my heart belongs to my Master and I know I belong at his feet.
My heart and soul is yours Master…I hope you always remember that.