If you have been following my blog you will see that I have the tendency to become confused in my submission and with my new found Domme side. I have used the term Switch to describe what I am but I really do not think that it is totally an accurate definition of my person in this lifestyle. I am more than just some switch…more than just someone who turns it around. I am a person who loves to kneel before my Master and stare longingly up into his eyes or hungrily upon his cock before taking it into my mouth. Not only am I that submissive (or am I becoming more slave??) to my Master but to a few lovely girls, one in particular, I am Mistress…and I have to say that I do love being her Mistress and I can’t wait to have her crawl towards me with hungry eyes, but does this make me a switch?
I have to say no to this because, in my opinion, a switch is someone who switches places with their Master or other dominant. That is not something that I do! Regardless of our delicious little sluts and them calling me Mistress, he is and always WILL BE my Master, and that alone makes my knees weak and my pussy hot with need. I don’t understand why him being my Master makes me so deliriously needy of his cock but something about the strength in his voice and the sternness of his look that makes me want to cry out and fling myself on the bed for him to take instantly with his control.
I do have to be honest here though and tell you all that I am not a good submissive (and probably never will be a very good slave) but not for the lack of my Masters control or even my own. I have been struggling within myself, yet again, with the need to fight for myself. To stand up and defend myself instead of letting my Master take care of me and guide me with his hand. I sometimes fight his control, well more often than not as of late, and I find myself growing impatient and VERY needy. I know that he is a good Master but I have this deep down yearning for more…I need MORE! I don’t want another Master and I don’t want to be Mastered by anyone else, I want HIM. What do I do? Do I just continue to keep my mouth shut and stop worrying about it and let things happen how they are going to happen? Do I continue to tell Master how displeased I am in his constant need to kill Jalapenos instead of taking care of his slut?
I know that I need structure, rules, punishments BUT why, when Master puts this things into place, do I fight him every minute…second…heartbeat of it? Why, when I know I need these things, do I fight him and try to flee from them? The very things I NEED my Master to do for me makes me angry…so angry I have said some very nasty things to him, things that have destroyed my heart, though I would never tell him so. Damn it! Why am I so fucking stubborn? Why can’t I just be satisfied with what he DOES give me, I mean HE is Master…what right do I have to make demands for MORE even if I feel like I need it? Why am I such a needy little slut, and I don’t mean that in a good way either!?
Master, I am truly sorry for all the battles, complaints, and nastiness you have gotten from me. You do not deserve those things and I deserve the coldness I have gotten due to it happening. I promise from this day forward I will strive to be better, but in my path I need your help…your help and guidance to be the slave…(oh god did I just say that?) that you deserve…the slave (oh god there it is again!) that I wish to be for you….but most importantly, for me.