Today has been a weird day for me. I didn’t sleep as good as I had hoped because all I kept thinking about is how badly I wanted to be online and writing blog after blog. I don’t know what has gotten into me except that I have so many things to say and somehow, I can’t find a way to get it all out there.
This morning I laid in bed reading some of my old posts and I cried a little as I realized the journey I have been on has been so amazing for me. Seeing how I have changed to what I am not and knowing that I am still growing in my servitude and in my growth as a Domme to our girl/s. I wonder what makes this journey so amazing to me. Is it the fact that I have finally found a man who can give me what I need? Is it because I have finally found that I am truly submissive? Is it because I am finally, after so many years, able to let go of the constant control I have had to have over my own life to let the man whom I love with all my heart finally be the one to control what I do within my life from here on out? Those are not the only questions I have asked myself, but I know that to find an answer would only kill the magic that keeps the wonderment alive inside of my soul.
Yesterday was a very sexually frustrating day for me…as most of you have read already. I am having a hard time dealing with this need…this desire and I don’t know what to do with it. Do I just continue to use it as a stimulating thought for when my Master decides to use me? Do I beg him to let me find a submissive slut in our area that I can Domme for even just one night so that I may use her pussy and mouth for my own sexual needs? Why do I feel horrible for even wanting something like that? Why are things so hard for me to understand? Why am I not able to come up with all of the answers to my own questions?
I am trying not to be persistent to our girl kali, when it comes to being with me, I know that in time (once she is here) it will happen or it won’t and either way I am TOTALLY okay with it, but then my desire to be with a woman will just be what it is now and I don’t know how I feel about that. Will Master let me look for another girl to come into our home, one that will enjoy being with me as well as Master? Is that even right for me to think of when I love kali as much as I do? Would it hurt her if that happened? I am not saying replace her or not have her here by any means because she WILL be here and she IS a part of our family regardless of what happens. She is ours…period. What I am asking is, would we have another…? Should we have another? Should my desire to be with a woman even be considered when I am submissive to my Master? Yes I get to Domme kali in RL (when Master allows it) and through the internet I virtually Domme a few others, but I can’t fuck them…not physically, and it is getting hard for me to keep my desires at check. I am worried that I am scarring kali by being so persistent but at the same time I want her to to know just how badly I want to use her…how do I let her know I am understanding but still tell her I want to fuck her pussy with my mouth, fingers, and possible toys? *laughs*
I know that my Master wishes for me to be able to do this and we both have high hopes that Kali will eventually be okay, but regardless…I haven’t been with a woman in somewhere around 7 years +/- so it isn’t like I am going to die if I don’t get it, but the desire is still there.
Master…maybe we can get me one of those pocket pussies….LOL *facepalms*