It has been entirely too long since I have been able to log in and actually put down in words all that has been going on and how I have been feeling as of late. I really hope that we are able to get the internet again soon because I miss being able to pen down the things that are happening in my life and that within my mind. Have you ever felt so completely lost that you couldn’t figure out how you were supposed to put one foot in front of the other and still find your way along a path that had made little sense to you but you knew it was the path you were supposed to be on?
I have, in the past, thought there is no way that switches could be possible. I think it was mainly because I was ever only introduced to male switches and the male submissive still disturbs me in some ways, though I love some dearly who are in my life, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around a man being less than me. Though even as submissive men I still could never equal too or even be higher than they are, at least in my mind, I shall always call them Sir and treat them with nothing more than respect. As for myself, now that I have found my Domme side, I feel as if it is more dominant at times than not so and I am loving it. To my Master I am and always will be submissive for he is my Master and no one could ever take that away from me, except him if he were to ever rid himself of me.
As far as my Domme side I am finding myself to be much of a Sadistic nature and much stricter than I have ever been before. I have been told that I am mean, hard, and most unforgiving in some of my actions and thoughts. Thing is, those very things are what excite me about being a Domme and what having a girl in our home could scare me. I know that if my Master were to allow me free hand to Domme our girl then I shall do so to my hearts content with only one care in the world and that would be not to damage my Masters property. I shall do every thing in my list of desires that are physically possible and revel in every second of the delicious torture and sexual gratification that I shall receive from it.
My Master and I were discussing one night punishments and sleeping arrangements that our slut will have when she finally comes to serve her owners properly. It wasn’t like we were going into direct details or strict rules we were merely lightly discussing it as we were talking about getting a king sized bed to replace our queen. I had said that we could get our slut one of those really big dog beds that they sale, and some of them are quite big and look damn comfy, for when she is being punished. Not allowing her to sleep within her own room those nights or in bed with us would be quite a big punishment to some, but not quite enough for me. I would like to chain her ankle so she is unable to leave the space where her bed would be. My Master asked what about her having to use the restroom…I simply said she can have a bucket. Is that wrong of me? Am I stuck in the Dark Ages? If it is to be a strict punishment then shouldn’t it be of the strictest so she does not misbehave again? I had only offered the idea of the bucket when Master looked at me quite shocked when I said she could hold it…it would teach her not to fuck up. *shrugs*
So now I wonder…are the things I imagine doing to our slut/s the very things I wish done to me? Am I indirectly begging my Master to treat me with a stricter hand? It honestly terrifies me for him to do so but at the same time to be treated so would be very exciting for me. I wonder if it means I am becoming, in my heart, more slave than I am submissive? How do I tell the difference? How is it I am able to answer these questions so easily for other people but yet I am unable to accept or even answer them for myself? I just only wish to fully embrace myself but I am finding myself lost yet again within a maze of questions and unable to find the answers or even the way to ask them properly. If this truly is how I wish to be treated then why does it terrify me so completely? Why does it make me so angry that I could actually…finally…be accepting what it is that my Master has wanted from me from the beginning but I was so unwilling to give or accept I had it to give? How will my Master handle these feelings and will it take away from me being able to Domme our slut/s? Will he even let me Domme them if I fully submit as slave instead of remaining a submissive?
So many questions but yet I can’t find the voice to ask them of my Master without the worry of what will happen to me…to myself. All I do know is that I am completely and utterly in love with my Master and can’t imagine a more worthy person to hold such a gift of my complete submission into slavery. He is one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life with the ability to control me with an utter glance. The sound of his voice causes my knees to weaken and my heat to race with instant desire and need to have his hands upon my naked flesh. I have never in all my life craved a man so much as I crave him. You could say I am obsessed or even addicted to the mere sight of him before me. How my fingers crave to touch his cock and feel it grow within my grasp and inside of my mouth. Even after he has used me I grow sad when he must pull his cock from inside of me, always making me feel as if I have lost something so important and have been left with an emptiness. I wonder if this is common with others?
I am in love
I am loved
How could a girl ask for more than any of that?
I am now and always will be yours…