The Feeling of Failure

Feeling as though I have not given myself completely to my Master has been a hard thing for me. I feel it in my heart, but at times it is hard to give my Master everything that he deserves. It isn’t because I don’t want too, I just get stuck in wife mode and even defensive mode more than anything. Is there a way to get my mind and heart back in where I need it to be so that I am able to serve my Master completely?

I know that I have given myself to my Master, but I wonder if I have pulled back some. This is something I am dealing with on a daily basis. I know that he sees it, he has commented on it a few times and we have discussed putting myself back where I belong. I love being subservient to my Master and worshiping him. Why am I finding myself so withdrawn from my service to him? I do not know enough about this lifestyle to find my way back on my own and I think my Master is becoming impatient with my lack of submissive behavior.

How do I find my place again, on my knees, and before him? I have it in my heart, I know I do, I just have to figure out what it is that is blocking me from doing it. I am not even blocked all the time, just every once in awhile I find myself saying, “no” and then laughing about it. My Master looks at me quite angrily and I quickly feel awful for saying it and for laughing but I can’t seem to stop. I  know I have a domme side to me, but I would NEVER even think about using it on Master. That is NOT an option, not even one I would want. That would be just…ewe. I know that my heart and soul belongs to my Master…that is NOT my problem. I just need to find all of my submissiveness…

On to another topic…My Domme side.

In SecondLife I have had the privilege of exploring this side of my personality. I have yet to domme a male partner and it is something I am interested in but mainly it is a woman that I wish to top. Not that I think there is anything wrong with the male submissive, I used too, but I opened my mind and have met some amazing men who are submissive, and I love them so much!

So I was hoping one day, in real life, that I would be able to find a girl who wouldn’t mind being topped by a woman who is topped herself. Yes, my Master would inevitably be in charge, but she would belong to me…in essence. Is this something that is even reachable in real life? Are there girls out there who would be willing to love real life this way? Would they wish to be more dominated by my Master rather than by me? So many issues can rise from this type of situation but is it impossible?

So many questions…can they even be answered?

4Ever yours,

Submissive Scar


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